Wednesday, October 10, 2007

working my last nerves.

I love when people call and ask your advice and then you give it to them and they feel some type of way about it.

You called me. You asked my honest opinion, I gave it to you and now what?

It's not what you wanted to hear? Well, then you need to be more specific. Instead of calling and asking for advice just say look, i need you to agree with me on this. I will listen to it. If I agree, I will tell you but, if it sounds like a bunch of bullshit, then trust me, I'm going to call you on it. And then I will think twice about answering my phone when you call me again.

Leave me alone oK?

Thursday, August 30, 2007



30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have Merlot.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Pro Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and yogurt instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak please.
13. Cappuccino Latte tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are just too big.
11. I've saved it all on the C: drive.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate.
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer young lady!


1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!


Friday, July 20, 2007

ugly kids

people with ugly kids,

do they know their kids are ugly or are they in denial?

i mean really, if i had an ugly kid, i would never leave the house

but then again, i'm going to burn in hell for this one but, oh well

it had to be said.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The death of Mr. Common Sense

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early
in my life and told me I
would do well to call on him when making
decisions. It seems he was always
around in my early years but less and less as
time passed by. Today I read
his obituary. Please join me in a moment of
silence in remembrance, for
Common Sense had served us all so well for so
many generations.

Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old
friend, Common Sense, who has
been with us for many years. No one knows for
sure how old he was since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic
red tape. He will be
remembered as having cultivated such valuable
lessons as knowing when to
come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets
the worm, life isn't
always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial
policies (don't spend more
than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies
(adults, not children are
in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well
intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a
classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and
a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked
teachers for doing the job
they themselves failed to do in disciplining
their unruly children. It
declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to
administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Bandaid to a
student, but could not
inform the parents when a student became pregnant
and wanted to have an

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and
criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a
beating when you couldn't
defend yourself from a burglar in your own home
and the burglar can sue you
for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live,
after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.
She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his
parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason. He is
survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights,
Someone Else is to Blame,
and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few
realized he was gone. If you
still remember him, pass this on. If not, join
the majority and do nothing.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Trying to get pregnant

what the hell does, we're trying to get pregnant mean?

just do the humpty dance and roll the dice already!

did you ever think about not telling people your personal business

until you're atleast 20 weeks?

we'll still be happy for you but, it would make the element of surprise a bit more

well.................bearable and we might just care.

Her: Ohhhh me and Larry are trying to get pregnant!

Me: *crickets*

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Smacking your teeth

Smacking your teeth when you eat drives me nuts. please stop it now.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Dear arbonne, marykay, tupperware and avon consultants

please do yourselves a favor and go and play in traffic.

if we wanted your products, we would call you.

please! stop sending those LAST chance before the sale is over emails to me.

i have a feeling that i'm on the verge of cussing one of you out real soon.

please save yourself a cussing out and just stop it now.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL Visiting Northerner's

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL Visiting Northerner's

Fifteen Ways to Avoid a Southern Ass Whuppin

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, Home Depot, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our War Between the States monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, QUICK or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or New Jersey. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Don't be calling us " racist" and pointing your self righteous fingers at us before you check out your own Yankee history!! Check out the most recent KKK headquarters while you're at it..... Columbus, Ohio, Gary, Indiana, etc. Call us racist bigots one more time and we'll kick your ass clear back to Brooklyn or where ever the hell you're from!!!!!!

16) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . minus your ass.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Potluck Dinners.

What are you thoughts on potluck dinners?
What are the worst experiences you've had at potlucks?
Are you leery of potlucks?
Does it freak you out when people reach all over the food?
Do you inspect the food and presentation before you put it on your plate?
Do you ask what the heck a dish is because it looks unrecognizable? Is that rude?
Just wondering!

Let's discuss.

Friday, June 15, 2007


Boyfriend pokes girlfriend's belly and says, "What are we going to name it?"
Girlfriend says, "Tiny" like your penis.

**A friend of mine told me that joke. I still chuckle when I think about it.**