Sunday, June 17, 2007

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL Visiting Northerner's

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL Visiting Northerner's

Fifteen Ways to Avoid a Southern Ass Whuppin

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, Home Depot, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick his/her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our War Between the States monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, QUICK or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or New Jersey. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Don't be calling us " racist" and pointing your self righteous fingers at us before you check out your own Yankee history!! Check out the most recent KKK headquarters while you're at it..... Columbus, Ohio, Gary, Indiana, etc. Call us racist bigots one more time and we'll kick your ass clear back to Brooklyn or where ever the hell you're from!!!!!!

16) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . minus your ass.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Potluck Dinners.

What are you thoughts on potluck dinners?
What are the worst experiences you've had at potlucks?
Are you leery of potlucks?
Does it freak you out when people reach all over the food?
Do you inspect the food and presentation before you put it on your plate?
Do you ask what the heck a dish is because it looks unrecognizable? Is that rude?
Just wondering!

Let's discuss.

Friday, June 15, 2007


Boyfriend pokes girlfriend's belly and says, "What are we going to name it?"
Girlfriend says, "Tiny" like your penis.

**A friend of mine told me that joke. I still chuckle when I think about it.**

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Say What?

I am watching Maury right now. Yeah, that's my first offense. Anyways, I'm watching Maury and the topic is: I have 22 kids, I am NOT the father.

Well, needless to say, I am sitting her with my mouth wide opened. Clearly because THESE people are on here "acking a foo"

Here's some highlights:
*I am 2000th percent positive that he's my babies daddy~ Blah, Blah.
*Look at his nose, he look just like his daddy
*He's the ONLY one I had sex with

Well, LO and BEHOLD, the test shows that these men were NOT the babies father. *sigh*

Here's the question and I need some open feedback on this one.

At what point does a woman decide to have SEX with a man with more than ONE child and more than ONE baby momma? Especially ONE who doesn't take care of any of his other kids. What makes a woman THINK this same man will be there to take care of his kids if he hasn't taken care of any of the other 21 kids. Yes. 21 kids. Hell, 3 kids by 3 different women, whatever way you want to twist it. HOW??????does. this.happen? and WHY?????????

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

i looooved this post on: Daily Views, Pop Culture, Rants, and News: If getting into heaven is based on following commandments, I'm fucked..

i LOVED this post.lovedit. Save a seat for me in hell :)
Much Props on posting this one! All kudos to you!!!!

Daily Views, Pop Culture, Rants, and News: If getting into heaven is based on following commandments, I'm fucked..